My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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