His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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