Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
