Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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