Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Randomize
