I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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