She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
