The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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