Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
