The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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