note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
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