dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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