Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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