We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
