So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize