I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
