dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
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Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
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someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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