Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
