when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
