He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
