from now on my penis is your penis
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
