she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
