I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I need a burrito and a hug.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
