I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Randomize
