....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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