He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
