It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
You can't just leave with hair like that
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
