meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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