I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
