hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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