Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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