Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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