dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
