nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
