I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
