I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Randomize
