I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
