do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I believe in your delicious
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
