Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
