Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Randomize
