Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Randomize
