I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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