my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
This is classic penis vs brain.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
