No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
