Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
