if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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