It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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