Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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