I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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