i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
