If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
