Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
