glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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