her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
