bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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