just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
And the cops told us we were all naked.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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