I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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