I'm so fucking centered right now
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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