My boss' voice literally gives me gas
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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